Speed Dating ROUND 2

Speed Dating: THE MAGIC FLUTE


This is NOT WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE


I enter Flute, a randomly swanky upscale cocktail lounge that’s DARK AS FKKKKK. I am the first person there. As a child I was always late for everything so now I’m the most early for literally every single thing in my life. Here I am standing outside of FLUTE at 4pm. GAY SPEED DATING starts at 4:30pm. A lady named “excuse me say again I CAN’T HEAR YOU” is running the event. I literally cannot hear a damn word she says. She gives me a score card and zero direction other than to take a seat in the back lounge.


The mousey host arranges us in the back booths and says 5 minutes until we switch.

Guy 1 is A DREAM. A total upgrade from “The Scientist” as now I have met “The Chemist.” The Chemist is beautiful and funny and we click instantly. (Side not the chemist GETS a second date, but he’s the only one. It goes downhill from here.)

Guy 2 doesn't even go here. He lives in Canada and wants to make friends. I DIDN’T SPEND $39.11 TO MAKE FRIENDS!

Guy 3 asks what I do for fun. I want to say "Turn my phone off and stare out the window naked with the AC on." Instead I say "Walk around and find goats."

*Side Note* I am not sure what answer would have been better. He was confused but I wasn’t feeling him.


Guy 4 was a cutie from Brooklyn just not my type.

Guy 5 was a hott mess! He says he roller bladed around Central Park before speed dating... So he smells great! He then says he wants to take me out and do tarot card readings drunk. I ask what he does for work and he says he just got phased out which means a promotion and when I ask his new position he says unemployed. He also says we look like twins and would have hot sex. #himean

Guy 6 lives in London. Why is he here?

Guy 7 lives in Aruba. Why is he here? Aruba also asks what I like to do for fun and this time I said “Figure out ways to be an astronaut.” (which is actually true). He was confused.

Guy 8 likes cars and I tell him that my dog used to hide his food in my Volvo in the garage. Why do I tell him that? The next 4 minutes are PAINFULLY LONG.

Guy 9 likes fishing and wouldn’t stop talking about CrossFit. He’s says he's never seen a broadway show and has no interest. I say I've never seen cross fit and HAVE NO INTEREST.


Looks like I have a prospect with the CHEMIST!